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my head has too much spaceDecember 12 is that okay? The days have just drifted by and the next year is fast approaching. for nearly two weeks i've stared at this letter and formed no reply. i wonder if this is all i can show for my four years, a defeated attitude and no distinguishable will to even attempt to salvage the situation. all i needed was some story to convince the board that i should still be here, that i can and will do all in my ability to complete the degree. but i feel i don't even want that. how is it that i have nothing left inside? the sun is out and it is a great day....or it should be. why can't i just enjoy this time as it is now? what is it that draws out this feeling of contempt every waking hour?
Lately i've been so disoriented that i've begun to loose sight of the differences between reality and the world in my dreams. its left me somewhat confused and i can't quite tell if i have or haven't done something, said something or really even seen something for real. it all feels the same now. there are so many different moments all of big and little impact and i have difficulty remembering their validity. it all is real to me, and i suppose that whatever conclusions i've drawn would in fact be in accordance to what my subconcious mind has decided. all the same it puts me off. it feels just a little too weird for me. the months end draws nearer and nearer. in what mindset will i see in the new year? each year etches into me deeper and deeper. perhaps this is what should be happening. is that why i don't fight it anymore? i am afraid of the next step. i said it before and i suppose my stubborn side chose this path already. i trudged on reluctantly making things far worse than it should've been. but if it ends today than i wonder if it would have been worth the hardship. i know i gave up long ago, but never really accepted it. its only four years out of my life sure but it still hits like a ton of bricks. this is what shapes the future me i guess. future me, i hope you don't end up worse off. Is this really it? i didn't even finish and its taken so long. the end was never really in sight. i just deluded myself into beleiving i was just a bit behind and nothing advanced. i should've graduated by now. even those shorter courses of two or three years could be over with a bit of do-over. this was too ambitious of me. i had to try and prove myself. now all i can really do is stop hiding away from it and accept i was irresponsible. sorry.
illusions of grandeur. should i stop pretending to be something i am not and start living out life as the low acheiver i really am? i don't know why i thought i was more. when did i allow myself to get so absorbed by my surroundings? from the very beginning it was not to be. a lack of true understanding led me here. misdirected influence and no real action led me to trick myself. i never took engineering for the reasons i see now. they became this way after i got into everything. its just been one big twisted path in the wrong direction. I had fun in viscomm. thats it. wanted to be an architect, couldn't. was too arrogant to go to geelong to study, decided to take a path into civil instead, under the illusion that they were similar disiplines. somewhere along the way recalled the highschool times where i thought mechatronic was the way. morphed into mechanical. was never really any good at it. just knew it was or could relate to cars. deluded myself into thinking once more that just being interested was enough to get me through it. boy was i wrong. now i've got such a high opinion of myself that i can't back down even when it all falls to peices. well those ego-feeding feelings should be subdued now that i am way older than any of the 2nd year students i'd be doing my repeat class with. god i hate first years. bloody kids, engineering stream does not help at all. bloody smarter than me too. no worries about being too good for anything anymore. my only real accomplishment these days is getting paid to walk around a shopping center all day emptying other peoples garbage. nothing else is worth shit these days. everything has gone old. i've to move on lest i drag out another half-arsed obstacle in this all too depressing existance. i get the feeling all my usefulness and "quick thinking" only ever have a half-life of a year or so, and then boom, its back to the norm.
I always get the impression of people wanting some form of job security, and that obtaining such is to get some form of accreditation....but i don't think it can work like that for me. holding down multiple jobs wouldn't work for me either. with all that time gone i feel as if i would end up using my sparce free hours filling myself with some mind numbing activity just to get by. but what i have now isn't exactly anything to be proud of. i'm ashamed of it actually. wouldn't you be? of course i feel this way. no person in their right mind could say honestly that this was a good thing. not at this point in time anyway. sure they might have awoken some true calling or some crap like that but be realistic right now they would feel like SHIT> maybo i really do need to just stop this craziness and go through life the hard way. the way it should be. kinda stupid how the whole reason this mess began was because of an effort on my parents part to give me a "better" life, with all the advantages of better education etcetera... yep. i'd say i let them down in a BIG way. thats whats hardest to face up to. sorry about making your life shithouse from all you sacrificed expences, time, lifestyles, lifechoices and all that. yep just thought i'd let you know that that was the biggest waste ever, oh and by the way i can't pay you back anytime soom as i have a 20 thou+ debt to the government and nothing to show for it. and now that i'm probably not gonna study and need a proper job to pay it, that figure is gonna rise with interest. there i said it. wanna cut your losses now and kick me out now and sell all my stuff/rent out my room to someone dependabl;e?
I wouldn't be all that surprised if that ended up happening. at times i wonder if it would be okay to just leave now and see if i can jsut live day by day as they come on my own. each year i live here without contributing is too much. i am just a resource oblitorator. would they be better without the reminder day in and out of the failure that is me? it wears them out and i can sense it. its not like i'm running away from home, i'm 22 and well old enough to have been sent packing by now. i get the feeling i would just make matters worse because in my nature i'd return home poorer/in more debt having not been able to support myself alone and then coming back again and again would be hell for all around me. staying home and giving no indication of getting any better at life would be equally bad. no it is just as bad. both suck. i should do this though. i mean if i can;t learn to stand on my own two feet...
Not going to have a fun time this "holiday" it will just be an extention of what i've felt this entire university life. my four year personal struggle. gonna have to push away the "niceness" both giving and receiving and focus on finding a goal in life and working toward it. its not gonna be easy, it sure is hell is gonna be ugly and i will likely have to reset it again more than a couple of times. now i need to let myself grow. i need to let go of the childishness and selfishness if i want to make something of myself. no one is going to want to be with a nobody. unless i can accept a life on my own with nothingwell i better start doing some thing right or i'll never get out of this mess. just let me do it my way for now. November 30 umm so what now? Wrap up for november, and essentially most of my 2007 experience. after this its all a question of how i go about next year. the last of my waiting and worries are past me. everything is done and dusted. Results for exams. my last milestone. i've got mixed results but ultimately not a smooth run. my main concern was whether or not i should be here. i've proven to myself that now is more or less showing me i need to back out. finally i've gone and got my 3 strikes for a subject. properly. number 3 came p for 2 subjects and i think i focused on one more than i should've because their combined scores are pass but individually is one good, one marginal fail. oops.
I told myself 2 lies at the start of sememster. first was that i would definately quit now (then) and i didn't do that. second was that if i just did my repeat subjects and passed them i would most definately still quit. but to be honest, in my mind i kept reassuring myself that if i did pass em then i could actually go on with everything. i got the weirdest uncertainty possible. a pass and fail combo. 2 fails? duh, move on and i wasted 2 subjects worth of fees. 2 passes would've made my mind go crazy, 2 fails would make me insanely depressed. suffice it to say that again i am thinking eh? do i leave or keep up the act? thinking on it longer. i really can't tell. the subject i underestimated by assuming understanding floped on me and the flip was that the one i had lost all hope for panned out well. nothing works out for me the way i though/felt it would. i am really not in touch with my imaginative conception of the situation and real life result. seeing as this time i've failed core subjects on the 3rd try, i am probably pushing my luck if i try to do 2 straight years. i've definately lost touch with my prior years assumed knowledge and that can only be a bad thing. fluids 2 is HARD. i barely passed fluids 1 (first try) but i knew what was going on then. today i more or less forgotten it all. so no hope there. ahh what to do, what to do. my mathematical mind is not up to scratch. yes i have done fairly good on my exam for math this time. i even felt i understood it for once (unlike the cluelessness of last time), but its still much too lazy and therefore much too slow. even at dinner tonight with friends it was not good at all. they were churning out numbers and i just nodded and hoped they were right. intellectual? no i don't think so. never really was at all. like most things i was satisfied with getting by. the pass mark, the norm if it was achievable.
Chances are i will cut loose this year. i have no idea how these hearings go for when you fail something. with this i slip into a 3 time fail, and that one makes it also a 50% of units a year failed. double. probably not a good thing. how does it work? do i lose my place automatically? or am i put on hold for a semester or a year? if i am on hold do i look for a new course or something? do i need to discontinue first or do i even have any sort of chance of transferring out? do i try and find myself for a year? do i work like a mule to try and redce my incurred debt for something i will likely never complete? how do i know what to do next? so much fear in me. i am afraid of what i will do for the coming days, years, decades. no more interests. not real ones, not enough to will me on to a career. do i make my move tomorrow or do i just ride it out and see where i am forced to? how does one go about discovering ther lost passions? how do you rekindle the once burning motivation? surrounded by so many broken avenues i have undermined the confidence to select a single path. was i ever really serious about any of it? I feel i should know the answer but have conditioned myself to expect such magnificent things i cannot actually take the long way around. i need the fastest way and for some reason or another feel anything else would be beneath me. what a joke. i could at any time take the less certain, ill defined route. jagged and branching. i have this mindset to be too specific. so specific to the point i've boxed myself out mentally. i no longer understand what it is i aim for anymore. i compare myself to this over compeditive degree hunting mob. c'd get degrees. i have a feeling those with d's and hds actually know how to use their knowledge. if i passed by taking a few more years but stiull didn't know what was required of me in a job i'd be fucked by the end of my firt year out. i want the easy job. something straightforeward. no more problem solving rubbish. give me a proper obvious thing. just that run of the mill skill. something that anyone can understand but not everyone has the time for.
I am likely going to indirectly kill my parents now that i have this massive debt and a dead end. i can see it now. mum after 15 years not being able to retire nicely like dad currently has. carol feeling she can't yet move out and andrew still looking for a future. its these sort of times i feel weakest. the guilt is overwhelming knowing you have failed everybody and instead of fulfilling your duty to them you have instead increased their burden and worries. i don't want to be the deadbeat son....but i know i must be. its the worst because of the lack of feeling. i don't think i act like the deadbeat, and i can sense the denial in me as i think those words. if i am not then why are things the way they are now? i can't do this properly when i am still around the family. i need to disconnect from them to make it up. its like a diseased thing infecting those around. cut it out and move on. i need to deal on my own. i can't keep doing this to everyone around me. if i'm going to be the family dissapointment then why can't i do it properly? the ingrate who abandons everyone, the one who takes the cowards way and walks out one everyone, be it in favor of a more dire circumstance for oneself or just to get on with day to day living without being accountable to anyone else. i've not got it in me to do that...yet.
What is it that stops you from taking the purely selfish option? i feel that to take your own life is the most selfish thing you can do, mostly as it holds your own person in the highest priority inlife. no consideration for the effects of the action. but i guess that that is looking only at the most extreme of selfish indulgence. to relieve your own suffering, making it no longer exist. you do it only fo yourself. it is easier to make some justifications for your action, bargaining that there are others who can benefit from such an action but would you do it if only for them? true sacrifice, someothing well beyond my own capability. at times i wonder what actions hurt those around me more. not to say i try to hurt them but rather that surely every thing that deviates from expectation that is not fully acomplished is bound to leave some form of dissapointment. so out of a pile of negatives, which would impact less. as wrong as it sounds, i could even go so far as to say is this something i can put on a happy face for until they are out of the picture and are no longer there to inflict direct feelings of pressure, not a good thing to consider at all. i get the feeling that i have already done so much damage that anything now short of acomplishment in its entirety would only lead to more hurt. even now i feel that if i were to suceed it would pain them to know that i had thrown away years on an unfinished dream, be it my own or one imposed on me. i get to thinking. would it have all been okay if i had instead gone my own way and disappointed them from the first decision? its odd when there is a sort of hindsight into things because you get to thinking that the only reason you thought that was because of the curent predicament. its only that bad because of what "could;ve been" if they weren't even certain you could get so far in something then it would always be just a "what if" type hope. its much too complicated now.
must get to sleep. have health checkup and blood test in the morning tomorrow. yet another aspect of my life i've tried to avoid revealing as i only know it can bring nothing but more worries and dissapointments to my list of negative acomplishments. they say you should not compare yourself to others. but if not that then by what measure do you gauge? in my cell group (which this week i will lash in favor for my first job and opaycheck) it was said that you should only measure up to jesus, as his perfection is unattainable, but the best benchmark. but then there is the inner sense of what ever you feel is satisfactory. i mean its all well and good to say you try your best to achieve, but to then have the expectance yo fall short anyway, be it immediately or somethwere down the track, well then it seems all moot if yoiu only have so much confidence in yourself to begin with.
got myself all tired now. and to top it off again i am no better off now then when i began typing. so again i ask and wonder... what is it i should do now? and i wait an eternity again for my own answer November 20 just killin time till new year... So come this christmas i just might be wandering around knox city for 7 hrs straight as a bin boy. guess you have to start somewhere and considering my bank balance has potential to go up rather than down why not? i think i'm gonna need some really good shoes or my feet will go crazy seeing as a good majority of my footwear are run down old shoes from high school days -_- i wonder just how it is that a good set of cheapass shoes can last forever and brand new ones always seem to fall apart a week after purchase.
Shoppo down in donnie is more or less still under development, and it was tiny to begin with. box hill was boring as shit and has waaay to many asians. went down to knox to talk to my possibly new boss and basically walked around the 2nd floor to aquaint myself with the bins i would be clearing come christmas period. empty as hell right now, but apparently once the shoppers file in i will be stuck behind a sea of window shopping, friend finding humanoids. seemed simple enough and it seems that every time i finish a round everything should be full again and requiring emptying. joy. i will get to experience firsthand the life of a worker ant, wandering along a preset path and collecting and depositing. yep. except for the lifting 500x your own weight thing. i think i've only ever been to knox for movie watching so the center itself seemed an alright size. and since i've not really ever shopped there it can be fun browsing a new place during work i suppose. oh yeah and its air conditioned. yeah thats gonna be sweet seeing as there is none at home. muuuch better than lounging around the house all day in the dark trying to keep the heat out. i hope i don't get bored out of my mind. then again that just might be the sort of work i can get into. rudamentary task stuff in a nice environment. its about the same as factory work and its not like anyone ever offered me work from there so i should be happy with what i've got.
i hate bins.
at home i do everything in my power to avoid emptying them, taking them out, bringing them back in. they are just kinda icky. and now that it can potentially be baby spit, weird sticky foodstuffs from unknown strangers, makes my nerves shiver in revulsion. upside, if i can do this then theres alot to be gained in the long run. as is i more or less look like the ultimate slacker. at least after this i'll be able to have legitimate prior work references. its funny. mum got me this job. after my searching and inquiring it all came down to who you know. references by word of mouth really do make a world of difference, and despite the fact that they still need more help i doubt i would've gotten to this position so easily if it wasn't a relative of someone mum works with. and i can say that i don't mind getting a "foot in the door" for this kinda stuff. i've been much too selective these days and it shows how unsucessful that has made things. so i guess i'll actually be a garbo. huh. so thats my first job. i wonder if i'm cut out for this. i don't think i'd give up that easily seeing as i don't really have much on offer and i really hope i don't make a bad impression because that could really be embarassing for ma. i think thats why i didn't want to accept help directly from friends because they can look really bad if they recommend me for work and i can't do it. heh. i just realised that i'm working for someones mum who is working with my mum. thats so weird.
First day is supposed to be a saturday and sunday combo. guess that it doesn't mean much when i've got nothing else on this christmas vacation but i hope i don't end up too used to working sundays seeing as it essentially starts the same time as church. i just got out of a lot of duties at church too and having that as my work reference can make things soo increadibly uncomfortable. i tell myself today that i let it pass seeing as i am pretty sure that my refusal to work eaaster and stuff like that was one reason for a few of my rejected job applications in the past, but the rates are so increadibly good for sundays and public hols. heres hoping i don't compromise my religious background and development for the search for money in a modern world. i've always thought that sundays were supposed to be kept apart, left alone but damn considering how long it took me to get a job, and even this one ain't one thats fancy i really do worry that if i don't take this chance now i will have a few more years of unemployed bludging. i'll consider this one a trainging puposes thing but i really don't know.
It seems so snobby. everything i've done seems so spoiled brat-like. maybe it is. but i can't see much future if i don't conciously make decisions for myself. i have my values and i admit nowadays even they start to see a few holes develop, but i'd like to keep em. theres an element of male pride too. not one to get by on handouts from mates. but then if you got shit all then those handouts seems so very tempting. i think i caved today. pressure from dad bugging me every time i see him (he even showed me a skilled worker position in port melb bunnings the second i got home from my "interview" -_-). i need to get away from my old man. blood is thick but man sometimes so is he. did i just say that? i so very much need to get away. surrounded by frantic chrismas shoppers and not actually needing to help any of em? brilliant. i could just get used to this....as long as i can stand the smell of compacted garbage. garbage and an air conditioned shopping mall (bar the outside rubbish area) or dad and an overly tense household during the summer....my inner sloth says dad can always be ignored but that will never let up. he don't bug carol cos she is dependable 90% of the time. don't blame him. i am essentially everything wrong with his life. he got fat, i got fat. he bluges around the house all day, i bludge around the house all day. he has cleaning fits despite being the only one in the house who expects others to clean up after him. i am so going to turn out just like dad and its killing me. at least mum tells me that her dad was tall and thats why i am tall. apparently dads dad was a shortass like him. a glimmer of hope....but grandma is kinda tiny nowadays so i dunno.
i always wonder if i would've turned out different with my other grandparents around.
What is it like to have kids to look after, raise and become so very over protective of? i look at the new parents around church and wonder what kind of parent i would be like. i reccon i'd be an utterly hopeless one. i can't look after anything. but i think i'd love the hell out of my kids if i had any. be totally useless when it comes to looking after em but picking em up every time i see em and huggin em and all that. i don't know why but i would really love having a daughter. maybe it because i know boys can be so insanely annoying and i dunno. i think i'd be the type who would spend so very much getting em fun stuff and taking them places and all that overprotective doting father stuff. i guess if it were a son i'd want em to harden the fuck up and be really,,,uh, guy-like.
uhh, i don't know why all that came up but i think i can start to see what dad was worried about, just that being a guy from that era he has odd ways about getting his point across. mainly by being an ass and badgering me constantly and then getting all worked up and frustrated. well if i feel like it i might just let on the fact that i've (hopefully) got work now and he can stop annoying me every second about finding work and exercising. i would be walking around with a bin for 7 hours, so compared to his idea of exercise (golf walks) he can't say much back to me. apparently i'l get to to use the bigger blue bins since it seems i can lift them up into the compactor rather than using the machine lifted ones that are as big as your average household wheely bin... i can finally test out the "can you lift 25kg's above your head" question they have for heavy lifting jobs on a factory floor. to be honest i have no idea how heavy 25kgs is. maybe i should ask some primary school kid how much they weigh and then if i find one attempt to leave them stranded atop a fridge or something.
so by new years i'll hopefully know a whole bunch of new things. whether i am going to have to drop out of uni, whether or not i'll have worked on a church sacred day and therefore sold my soult to the devil, what it means to have to wrry about tax, what the hell superannuation is, and whether or not i can hold down a job. bring on 2008. October 31 Halo-halo! Pumpkin killin day...
Yays and joy abounds -_- its the american holiday that promotes children wandering the night lookin for stuff to rot their teeth. daylight savings has played havok on my intenal clock. having terminated the functionality of all clocks in my bedroom this has resulted in abnormally drowsy mornings and 4pm lunches...followed by dad's overenthusiastic 7pm massive dinner portions. nightime comes quickly these days and midnight feels so much earlier than it should. for no reason at all when mum leaves at 9am for work i feel as if i have lost half the day.
spent the past few weeks as a shut-in, cloistered in the confines of my room in an attempt to effectively prepare for the 2 only exams i have this semester. the 2 exams that more or less determine my future. everyone goes all "lucky you" and "you have so much free time, do something" and it shits me up the wall. yes i have a reduced load, i forced it because i can't handle full 3rd year advanced stuff that requires aan assumed prior knowledge of core units from 2nd level....the 2 i am doing now. i've reshuffled and postponed, partially completed others but essentially, all the units that count bounce back and assume progressive knowledge of what i've failed 3 times straight. i've made moves to change, but then guess what? i've been told, hey, why don't we increase your debt one more semester? c'mon... and like an idiot i believed it again. i couldn't have just cut and run like my gut told me to. no i had to drag it out another semester. if i did well this time than of course the rest of the course would be linear again. tomorrows the last one. the math exam. i love the way math WORKS. its even kinda nice when it proves itself. making me remember a few moths worth in 3 hrs with no reference material and a jumble in my head?...not so likable. i did an assignment the morning it was due with no hassles. it was worth 10% of a 30% allocation of coursework. the exam is worth 70%. i forgot everything i did in the assignment 1 week later when it was marked and returned to students. how the fuck do i remember a semesters worth if i can't even remember the work i did a week ago??? this ain't right.
So as you can well see i have caved in at the last possible moment after a long run of computer-staring, notes reading uslessness. i can't even confidently remember the things i reviewed this morning. the one saving grace, a past exam we were assured was similar format to this one. each time i pick it up and look at the questions i recognize everything required of me. then it happens. my thoughts terminat there. i refuse to look over the next step in the solution because i know that of course i t will make sense once i see the application. gdetting there on my own without refrencing material? not as simple. if i cannopt recall the method required on my own it means dick all in an exam. 3 hrs, yeah i could hammer out the right sort of answers, but not without those notes or book. and so i find again i've sat myself in the 4th year of uni, still stumped by formula recollection of a level 2 subject(s). never you mind about the design subjects i did. they mean squat. my 3rd year capacity has been squandered. it counts too much on having done these 2 units. now i need to do 3rd year and 4th year. that assumes that i pass all these in one go. thats 6 years. thats the limit they give you for study. itsa the same as if i has done part time study the whole time. that would've been more progressive and much less stressful. no i have an academic record woth so many holes it can be likened to a swiss cheese.,.
To divert things a moment. the "lightened" load equals an end-of-exam date so early i finish before my birthday. very different. actually, i finish tomorrow....12 hours into november. muma nd dad at their limits (can't blame em) i am told to find a job. GOD I HATE IT. yes these times are optimal, you spout it every year. differnce this year is that i essentially don't have exams during the interview time because i finish within the start of week 2 of the examination period....because i failed and dropped everything else! SO ONCE AGAIN I SHALL BE ROCKIN UP WITH MY 21 YEAR OLD, NEVER EMPLOYED FAILING UNI REPEATEDLY AND NO OUTSIDE SOCIAL ACTIVITIES DUE TO "STUDY SACRIFICES". no one will employ me again. i get how some other people feel now. hassled to the ends of the earth by those who have succceeded in time with socially accepted standards. of course you guys can find work easy if you want now. you have the reputation of you past works. the loser crowd doesn't. lets see if you can get a job today by going to your interviews (assuming you get any) by saying that you haven't worked a day before, don't have experience in this or that area and am as old as i am. won't be easy, and 98% time you get shot down early. keep that up champ. I get to tak on the wonderful fact that inwardly i now hate everybody. i bet it shows. if i weren't this fuckin big i bet i would've lashed out and punched someone in the face by now. of course i can't acceptably do it these days because it ain't nice/fair to attack someone smaller. fuck if i punched juz in the head no one would argue...he's tiny but his built. me? i'm just one weight category above anyone i meet. i can't fight, never have, but i get pissed just like everyone else. i wanna hit someone and not something. all a wall does is crack and the foundation posts behind them are kinda too solid. i think i shattered all the cartalige in my wrist and fist by now. doors suck too. i didn't know they were that hollow. they break too much and just cut up everything. wanna punching bag or something. got a weird look from the folks when i ask bout it. always "why" or "what for"...then again i guess they are right. i have a perfectly good wall at home and my hands are stuffed already so there ain't any good reason to.
Had this crazy idea to swim for the whole of november. i like swimming. it wastes time and i like water. parents want me to find work. makes sense that if i intend to swim for a whole day i will miss any calls. wonder what i should do. i have this snealking suspicion that 90% of the reason i don't do shit all or put in effort is that i am unfit. apparently swimming is a decnt cardio workout. looks okay. been a while but i know i can spend an entire week just swimming. its not extreme, its doable. just gotta find some swimming shorts....big ones. really big ones. ah fuck. i hate going swimming in public. once i get going its easy. getting myself to go out there? damn embarrasing. thats the beauty of swimming. at the pool you have two options. swim, or laze about. the latter tends to get boring reaallly fast and then you just end up swimming till you are tired (for lack of anything better to do) its nice that way. you get a bit tired you move into the slow lane and just take it easy pace. then if that gets relaxing move back into the faster lanes again. i wish we had a pool. even a short one.
And there we go once again i've no regard for proper time management fucking up my future by inadvertantly wasting too much time on one thing that in the greater scheme of things really should've been a lower prority. my exam prep is moot as i've gone and done this instead of commiting everything to memory for my exam tomorrow. its annoying knowing you have the knowledge in your head somewhere and people tell you to just practice. fuck. excuses again. i have a feeling that i'm going to have a really weird end of year, and the leadup to next year will pass by so quickly and come march i will need to do something short of a miracle.
Andrew yuen: idiot of the ages. without knowing it, the joking comment made in year 12 seems so very true. i picked something WAY too long and have signed myself up for 6 more years of school. i am so stupid... no mercy for the dimwitted. September 16 a bit of random fun Manifest. paid for my weekend pass ages ago, tended to forget about it and then whoops, guess its here. my first anime festival and i was feeling all odd seeing as i had basically stopped going to the club meets after the new committee was elected and i was "freed". not wanting to detract from any of this experience opted for a cosplay attempt. had a;ll these grand plans and then found out that it is seemingly impossible to find any form of fabric store in melbourne anymore. last minuite inspiration and a pair of neglected sunnies saw me make a "costume" friday night using a bit of wire and my usual wardrobe of sorts. guess it came out okay, better than i had expected really. carol went for FRUiTs fashion as a goth loli type....and then we found out dad took the camera for a golfing trip over the weekend. saved by vu still got this little souvinier shot.
And there it was. i had gotten all into watching stuff again, remembering all these old school rumble eps after my harima kenji cosplay was complete. wandering around melbourne Uni being ever so slightly lost and at the same time remembering a little bit of the pre uni days when i had excitedly planned out all these city wandering ventures expecting to get into an over 90 enter course. these thoughts were immediately stopped when we found adam walking confidently in the way he does dressed in a goth loli cosplay himself...one that seemed more impressive than that of mine own dear onee-san. yes my vocab reverted to subtitle japanese phrase mode. watched a bunch of uber kawaii stuff, pondered over some mecha merchandise and was again planning out a few series in which to use up my upcoming "mid-sem" break. cloud nine again. pointing in all directions with my lil big sis and cooing over giant yoshi cosplaying girls, quoting obscure lines from stuff we watched and giggling to ourselves. it was nice to be able to do that. been all moody too much these days.
in short had fun and just maybe, i'll go again next year...maybe. yep i might try my hand at a proper cosplay and dammit get the fucking camera so i can spend the entire time taking photos with people i've never met purely because the once a year festival has changed me into a big kid again. |
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